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2007-08-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary, and his wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds--AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

(Bob has been missing since Friday.)

The Bathtub Test

2007-08-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A
normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or
the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Funny pictures

2007-06-26T07:02:00.001-07:00

Laughter makes the world go round

2007-06-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

Insanity (this blog) was created as a way for me to blow off steam if you will. Also, I got so many cute pictures in e mails that I wanted to be able to post them. It is easier then trying to save the e mails. I think laughing is one of the most important things you can do in life. Sometimes, it is the only thing that keeps us going. It created bonds, and loves and can sometimes even be exercise.

Maybe if the world laughed a little more, there would be less pain and war in the world.

wedding vows

2007-06-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

What wedding vows really should be...if we were all honest.

Video

2007-06-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

Two zebras pondering

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2007-06-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

Moose Hunting

Tom & Mel went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, Tom said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Mel shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

Tom says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

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Vietnam Story

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”

“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.

“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.”

pictures

2007-06-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

might want to rethink that name

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

2007-06-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female
jokes, and there are unisex jokes.

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the
hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will
love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed
a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and

meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2007

2007-06-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike. "

Red hat friends

2007-06-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, she licked the $10 and stucked it to his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stucked it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things were going, the guy raced over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,
grabbed the eighty bucks and left!!!!

2007-06-14T13:09:00.001-07:00

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